Moving Forward

The past few weeks have caused me to think through a lot of things.

Do you ever have those times when everything seems to smash together at once, like a car wreck? Not always in a bad way, sometimes it's just the right time for things to happen and they all seem to converge at once.

I've just been thinking about the past and how it has affected who I am today. When I turned 30 in September, I didn't think much of it. It was just another day. But looking back on the past 20 years or so from where I stand today shows me how far I have actually come. I am not afraid to say that some of the things I walked through really hurt. They might have felt like a sort of dull pain at the time, but in hindsight I can see how God carried me through.

That sounds like a cliche, I know, but it really is true. I can't help but think "How in the world did I make it through that on my own?"

I wasn't truly on my own, that's how.

Anyway. Leaving the church (five years ago now, I believe) I grew up in was one of the best decisions I ever made. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate anyone and that's not the reason I left. I just knew it was time and I did everything I could possibly do there.

I know some would say (and did say to me) "There's no perfect church!" But that's not the point. Even Christians sometimes don't understand the concept of God telling someone to move forward in their walk with him, no matter who it upsets. The people who said that to me did not hear what I heard from God. They didn't feel stagnant, under-appreciated, overlooked, or just dry inside as I did.

My entire existence there was just going through the motions and living with a dull sense of happiness where you just kept doing the same thing day after day without realizing you are dead inside.

The only thing that kept me alive was attending Bible Study Fellowship. Truly. I don't know how I made it through all those dry deserts without collapsing.

I always felt when I was at the church they were withholding Bible knowledge from me. It was a subtle "Get back in your place" thing. And when I really began to read and study the Bible for myself, I came alive.

You know in the Snow White fairytale when the prince comes upon her dead body and as soon as he kisses her, her eyes fly open and she gasps a breath of air, then sits up? He's just breathed life back into his true love and that's exactly how I felt after leaving. It took some time for me to understand this, but when I did it felt like I was a whole new person.

I can see how some would read this and think I am a horrible person for even thinking these things. But you know what? I'm not. For a long time, I did not allow myself to think critically about leadership, beliefs, and the overall attitudes of many people I knew. I did not want to think badly of them and I still don't. I just want to be real about how people were hurt and are hurting. I am not the kind of person who can live with shadows, so I firmly believe in telling the truth about how we are all damaged human beings.

There's nothing wrong with talking about how you truly feel and telling the truth about what you experienced. How else will you be able to move on with your life? How can you live with shadows dogging your footsteps and fears of whomever or whatever taking root inside of you?

I can't live that way and I don't want anyone else to either.

I've had many, many conversations with others who have made the decision to leave there or move on from other unhealthy circumstances or relationships in their lives and it is liberating to know that they are on the right track. It's awesome to see that we agree on how to move forward and that it's okay to acknowledge the bad things, talk about them, and then move on to greener pastures.

I just want people to be free and truthful with themselves about any toxicity they have discovered in their lives. God doesn't want us to live that way, especially if it is taking up residence in our minds and drawing us away from a thriving relationship with him.

I sacrificed that for a long time and I refuse to do it anymore.